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Tarot Tuesday; Five of Pentacles

…What fears do you have around money and wealth? Are you anxious about never having enough, or do you have faith in your ability to manifest what you need to live a prosperous, fulfilled life no matter what your circumstances? Often wealth is based as much on your psychological state as your actual financial state.

In a world that often equates success with financial wealth, the loss shown on the Five of Pentacles can be a humbling blow to your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. This loss can occur in any number of ways but even though an external event may seem to be the cause, this card often reflects that the loss is something you have bought upon yourself. There is a spiritual loss that often precedes or accompanies loss of material wealth.

The Five of Pentacles can also point to a time of being alone, feeling abandoned, ignored and unwanted. You may be excluded from group events or you are being ostracized by others. You are in desperate need of support and comfort from those who actually care.

Biddy Tarot

Man. Way to get a punch to the gut.

So, right now I’m in a bit of a limbo state. Hence part of the reason it’s taken me two weeks to post again. What do I mean by limbo?

Well, my partner has a “new” job. This job is in his home state and brings him closer to his elderly parents who own/live on a farm. This is really where he is most at home as he has always wanted to have his own farm; more cattle and quiet, less people and bright lights. I have always known that he would go back. I knew that I would go with him when the time came, but wasn’t sure how it would play out. Would it be years from now? Would we be married? Would it be because of his parents health or because we could afford to? All these questions I had set aside. However, things have happened rather quickly.

He got the job, he put the house up for sale, we packed and purged, and now he is 10 hours away from me for an undetermined amount of time. Without going into too many details, it means that I’m back at my parents house and am wondering if/when I’ll be moving and/or changing jobs. There is a lot of anxiety around this, mainly because I worry about EVERYTHING, but also because I live in fear of not being able to take care of myself.

But wait, you say, what does this have to do with moving and the financial crisis the Five of Pentacles talks about? Well, I have a very set way of determining security, and it’s tied to money. I dread not being able to take care of myself and by extension, those I care most for. I have made quite a few decisions in my life based on having a job, having income, being independent. I love that my partner takes care of my mental, emotional, and physical needs but I have ALWAYS struggled with his inclination to try and take care of me financially.

I’m sure I could go really deep with this financial security/independence issue – I can say that being old enough to understand how my parents struggled after my dad was laid off combined with a family member who used money as a form of control, it definitely helped to shape how I see money and stability. And, I think, that’s probably what is really at the root of all this anxiety. I fear the loss of my own income and fear the loss of my partner. The two don’t exactly go hand in hand, but I don’t want it to become a choice either.

I know now that I need to spend more time thinking about how I view my own worth, how I view money, and what it means to change my attitude on stability.

Categories: Tarot Tuesday

Tagged as:

thereluctantpagan

Writer, Wannabe Artist, Overthinker, List-Maker, Photographer, Chronic Under-Salter

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